I'll be honest; this week I have lost quite a bit of motivation. Normally I have some clear goals in sight, whereas at the moment I can't see them. Today I woke up and couldn't find any motivating reason to get out of bed. Alas, I still had to as going to work was on my todo list.

But as I laid there I thought, what do I want out of life and how do I get it? In some respects, I don't actually know the answer to the first part, let alone answer the second. From time to time I feel like the world can be a small place. I feel that no matter where I would be, I'd still feel that air of solitude in my trueman show that has an audience of one. The sad truth is that I'm too far forward to be able to turn around and head back. My life is from this point on, and there's no reliving the times that I remember to be worthy of reliving.

So what has sparked this? Maybe it's a side effect of having been at home the past weekend where I managed to see a friend who I knew in school. Seeing him made me feel young again and reminded me the good times of my childhood. But feelings like that are only short and brief and real life must commence. I can't help but feel I'm a child just playing grown up. I've always felt it, and I think I always will. But the child in me is missing the things that easily please. Life at the moment is strung together by a few strands of mild interest that is supposed to build the bigger picture.

Somethings in my mind I play out the scene if I were to completely change my life. What if I quit my job and moved to Yorkshire to continue my freelance life there? What if I were to quit my job and move to Dublin and set up a studio with my two friends? I know I wont move back to Luton as that is simply trying to relive a past that just doesn't exist anymore. The real question is, what life can I have if I continue to do what I'm doing? How long will it be before I realise that change is the only way to allow me to find what I'm looking for?

One thing is for sure though. A true lack of motivation can be the seed of a new motivation. Not necessarily about reaching your goal, but one about finding the goal to reach for. Right now, my goal is to find what I'm looking for that will make me a happy in the long term. But until then, it's going to be a paint by numbers of the smaller pieces that interest me until I can see that bigger picture.

But all this that I'm feeling is a normal progression that people feel as they 'grow up'. As people from your generation start to settle down, you realise how the circle of life really works. I'm the uncle now, not the nephew, and as my life hasn't evolved how I'd like in order to enter this adulthood, I feel like a spirit stuck between life and the afterlife.

But it's not all doom and gloom. The things that have moved on from my last post are that I've finally started my acoustic guitar course. Seems like it's going to be a lot of fun and the class seem like a good bunch. However, it will be a lot of hard work and will involve a lot of practice. This will determine if it's something I truly want to do based on how much I stick with it.

Then I had my drawing and painting course. We used soft pastels to draw some fruit in colour. Here are two pieces that I created. The first is just a quick test with the pastels and the second is the still life drawing.