If someone were to ask me if I enjoy life, I'd say yes. But if they were to ask me if I was happy, I'd give a different answer.

For the past few years, I've felt this void in my life, yet even though things have changed and moved along; I'm still sitting there at the beginning. Welcome to my blog, a documented journey of how I plan to change the answer to that second question. How I can, indeed, find that happiness I've been wanting for so long.

So, before I can get started, there are a few things that I need to identify before I can start. So, lets start by figuring out who I am, in my life, as it is...

my life at the start
I'm 24, single, living alone in Southampton and work for IBM along with being a freelancer. I graduated from Northampton University in 2003, worked for myself for a year before deciding that it was time to get my life started. So I got a job at IBM Hursley and moved down South. A year later I brought my own house.

Then I was sitting in my house thinking, ‘that's another tick in the box’. I've got a great job, a house, but wait, there's still that huge void. And it got me thinking, what do I really and truly want out of life? I owe it to myself to answer that as we only get one life, so it would be a crime not to find our ambitions and go for it.

So to figure out what this void is, I need to identify, what is it that, well, makes me happy...

things that I value in life
There are two things that I desire the most in life. Of course, health and security go without saying so I won’t mention those. These two things are people and creativity.

The day that I find that special someone who I can feel at one with and want to spend the rest of my life with will truly be the happiest day of my life. People are important. We need friends and family to keep us going in this world. We need people to share life's experiences with. And of course, we need that special someone also. So, I would say I value the idea of that special someone. So that is what would make me happy.

Creativity. When I was in university basically doing the equivalent of a programming degree, I decided, programming is fun (give or take), but it can be a little boring and repetitive. So I decided that I wanted to pursue a creative direction. When I hear someone play a beautiful piece of music on the piano or guitar, or I see an outstanding pencil drawing capturing the emotion of the subject, I see something very powerful. Something that is pure talent. A connection between the artist and their work for the value of others. Oh how I would have loved to be a true artist to impress everyone else. I believe that would be my way of attention seeking opposed to being the joker of the crowd or the party animal.

i'm no artist
I can't draw to save my life. Shame. But I do believe that with the right amount of time, dedication and motivation, I could find a talent in there and become an artist of both vision and sound. People may be born with or without artistic skills, but maybe this dedication could not just teach someone these skills, but actually unlock a hidden talent that's been there since the beginning.

what art?
My problem is that I take too much interest in a variety of things that I can't focus on any one in particular for any length of time to actually become proficient at it. I want to play the piano and read music like I'm reading a kids story. I want to play the guitar and apply those skills into some amazing music pieces created using the computer. I also want to be a great 3D modeller and animator producing both photorealistic visual effects to fully blown character animated movies. That would also require a strong talent in tradition drawing to understand the concepts of building characters that can actually be animated.

my problem
I do have a problem. This is both time and energy. Its difficult being able to work a full time job, work a part-time freelance job, have that thing called a social life and on top of it all, put time into learning these new skills and actually producing some piece of work at the end.

I love working at IBM in Hursley. It’s such a cool place to work at. Being in the countryside with a superb mix of people makes the day both fun and exciting. There has not been a day where I've woken up and not wanted to go to work. That's simply because it’s so relaxing working in Hursley. The work however, could be more interesting. By more interesting, it could involve doing the visual effects for a new Spielberg movie. Somehow, I don't see it happening, thus my problem.

I will be extremely surprised if I am at IBM for another 2 years. The work and the career progression doesn't interest me enough for me to want to sell my life to being an IBM'er. I want to so far too many other things.

But after a day at IBM, I come home and I have freelance work to attend to on evenings and weekends. There will never be a day when I don't have some piece of work that needs my attention. That I've come to accept. My life is driven by the urgency of which people need me to do something.

my fears
I have two fears. The first one is that if I were to meet someone special, my priorities would chance so much that a few years down the line I will regret never having chased my ambitions. My second fear is that I never meet that special someone.

My priority of course is finding that special someone and living that fun and exciting life, sharing each moment as though its the last.

my future
I know where I want to be in 10 years time. That's easy. I even know how I could get there, to a degree. But that path would mean losing IBM and that way of life. A sacrifice that I'm only prepared to make if there's something else in my life that brings me closer to my true happiness. That transition will need to happen where I have the support from many friends and family to ensure that my day-to-day life becomes more exciting than the last. But of course, one true push in the right direction would be finding that special someone who can give me that encouragement like no other.

As my brother's business continues to grow, there's been mention that they will want me to work for them full time, possibly in as soon as 6 months. At face value it seems like a fantastic opportunity (and indeed it is). It would mean more money (almost double that of which I'm earning at IBM), easier and more interesting work, and more time for my creative aspirations. But the thing that is missing is simple. The people. It would mean that I would either be working from home or with my brother and a few colleagues. Sadly, that is something that just doesn't compare to IBM on that front. That is also something I just simply do not have a solution to.

so now what
I can get very frustrated if I feel like I'm stuck in the mud and not going anywhere. However, as much as I know about myself, I do think there might be a way to trick myself into believing tomorrow might bring that happiness I seek. Maybe it’s a sense that the chase is worth more than the catch.

So I have devised a schedule which I plan to put into action when mission pay at IBM is over and my day job can return to normal. Also after the next software deadline for my brother's company has also been completed. Since we are all students of life, I don't think we should stop learning other things as well.

I plan to educate myself and produce satisfactory pieces of work from the following:

• traditional drawing
• playing the piano
• playing the guitar
• 3D modelling, texturing, animating and rendering
• filmmaking and visual effect

For those that truly know me, they know that I have big ambitions, and sometimes can bite off more than I can chew. What I say to that is, good! I would rather do that and fail, than to never try at all. I plan to die happy and with ambition and the day I don't have both of those is the day I'm ready to die.

I have plenty of books and learning materials. All I need now is the motivation and encouragement to use what little time I have to push these in the right direction.

a healthy body to a healthy mind
I used to weigh 14 1/2 stone. Back in 2003-2004 I lost 3 stone. I now weigh just over 12 stone (those who can do the math and can't make it add up forgot to multiply by Christmas and Easter). Even losing that amount of weight has made a world of difference in how I feel. But I know I can do better. I want to weigh less than 11 stone.

So I aim to eat healthy and get that 5 fruit and veg a day. But also I need to take part in more exercise and get my body used to burning off some energy. Sitting at a computer all day doesn't help.

I believe that a healthy body gives a clear and healthy mind that improves confidence and general well being. This I also think is a vital factor in being able to communicate using body language well with other people. So on top of my squeezed schedule of work, more work, creative learning, I want to become healthier.



This blog will document my journey into the unknown and see what happens.